Yet another chapter...

5 years ago, the husband and I broke up. Strange place to start a blog post isn't it... it's true though, we did. We needed it. We needed time, and space. We had been together for about 5 years at that point. Everything was fine for the first 4 1/2 years and then for about 6 months, things became difficult. We argued about small things. We didn't enjoy each others company anymore. We just changed. We had been together since I was 18... a "kid" I suppose. People warned us that we may grow apart, and we did. So we broke up. It was really easy at first because I was numb and I was angry. Time passed and then it got difficult. I was sad. I was sad all the time. I had a firm grasp of why people commit suicide. (Not that I'd ever kill myself over a man, let's be serious... but I entered a deep state of depression.) Then it got really rough as the holidays approached. Right as it became unbearable and I thought life couldn't possibly suck any more, it started to get a little easier. Easier to wake up in the morning. Easier to face the day. I missed him, but I knew I needed to find out who I was... so I did. I moved on. I did what I needed to do to feel better... I went out too often, I drank too much, and I dated too many people. Like I said, I did what I needed to do. The lifestyle I was leading was toxic but it was okay because I knew it was a phase. I knew it wouldn't last long. I knew it was only a matter of time until we would see each other again. And just as I suspected, we did. A year later, in November of 2005, mutual friends of ours were getting married in Las Vegas.. We found out we'd be seeing each other so we agreed out of respect for our friends and for each other, we would not bring a date. So the wedding date approached and we met up at the church. There he was. Stunningly handsome in his suit... just as I remembered. I saw him and he saw me... and I knew. I knew that the person he'd been seeing didn't matter. I knew that he still loved me. More importantly, I knew that I still loved him. I say "more importantly" because I needed to know that if we ever were to get back together, it would need to be because I loved him and not because I thought I couldn't be without him. So we went to Vegas (the ceremony was in Upland and everyone was leaving directly from there to Vegas for the reception) and had the time of our lives. The trip was perfect... we talked, we laughed, and we didn't hold a grudge. We knew the last year was necessary for the both of us. So after the trip, we got home and had a number of long conversations... somewhere in the middle of them we decided that that was it... we wanted to be together and get married. We knew what it was like to date and decided that if we were going to be together, it was time to grow up and get serious. Good thing thats what we decided because our Christmas present that year was one we'd never forget... we were going to be parents. (Apparently that night in Vegas felt like our wedding night too *wink*)

Jump ahead to August 9, 2006... Jake Ryan Rubalcaba was born. He was perfect and he was ours. We decided that I would not be going back to work for Lucille's and that I would instead be staying home with our son. I would be the full time parent. It started out great! He slept, ate, and pooped. That was it. As the days turned into weeks, the reality began to set in... (along with the post-partum depression but I'll save that for another day ;) I was very lonely the first couple of years. I was struggling, and I spent many many days wondering- when will real life start? This is not what I signed up for- this is not how I pictured my life. I was selfish. I was naive. I was sleepless and I was lost. Just like every other time in my life: just when I thought I couldn't handle any more, things got easier.

Fast forward to today. I'm a mother of 3. Some days are easier than others and sometimes I just want to scream. But every single day, I am grateful. I am grateful for every single day I have with my babies. Many moms aren't able to get to stay home. Thanks to my husband and a lot of help from our parents, we are able to afford for me to stay home and raise our babes. Almost 4 years ago, he was just a little seed. He was not planned. (Now when I say he was "not planned", I mean, he wasn't planned by Gilbert or myself. He was however, part of a bigger plan that was created for us... and there's no way anyone could convince me otherwise.) Jake is the kindest soul. He is brave, yet cautious. He loves to laugh. He guards his siblings and treasures his sister. You wouldn't know it by the way he treats her some days, but he does. I can feel it. He throws fits when he doesn't get his way. He likes to see me frustrated, but hates to see me cry. He tells his sister "never hit mama, yaya" and I love that. He's extremely stubborn. He becomes fixated on things. He finds comfort in his "guys". He loves to hear that he's handsome. His chocolate brown eyes are hard to resist. He counts to ten in Spanish. His latest fave is "chocolate jello" (pudding) and he only likes his milk cold. He likes for me to lay with him when he naps because he says "mama gets scared". He's a character, that boy. But he was definitely a part of a plan. Maybe not ours, but definitely His. I'm so happy my little angel boy is growing up, but at the same time it makes me sad. Sad to see him "leaving the nest" for the first time. Sad to take him to pick out his own backpack and lunch box. Sad to meet his teacher. Sad to see where he'll be playing on a playground... without me. He's starting pre-school on November 3rd and it just marks another milestone. It feels like he just started walking... where did the time go?

I loved being with him all day and it's difficult for me to see this chapter come to an end, and yet, it truly is a new beginning- for both of us. He'll grow in knowledge and friendship, and I'll grow to understand how to manage my time on a stricter schedule. I'll learn to balance to life of having a son in school with only two babies at home. He'll learn to make friends and hang upside down on the monkey bars. I'll learn to shuffle nap times around pick up schedules, and how to pack the perfect lunch in his new Spider-man lunch box. He'll learn about adding and subtracting and how it applies to more than just blocks or fingers. I'll learn the rules of the pick up line and proper teacher/parent relationships. He'll learn to eat lunch in a timely manner so he has time to actually play at recess. I'm bound to learn new things in math, reading, and writing alongside him. I'll hug him and praise him at his success on spelling tests, and cry with him when he gets into his first fight on the playground.

Jake and I have a partnership unlike anything I imagined parenting to be like, yet it is a pleasure to grow with him. I'm so proud to be his mama. I love you so much my little Bubba.